Breakups hurt. They can make you doubt your self-worth, your choices, and even occasionally your identity. So when you are feeling vulnerable, it is easy to be tempted by revenge dating. After a breakup you think to yourself, “If I get into a new relationship quickly, I will be able to show everyone that I have moved on.” But here is the reality: jumping right into a relationship to numb the pain you are feeling will almost always do the opposite of healing you. It probably will make things worse.
Let’s unpack this.
The Illusion of Instant Healing
The emotional absence after a breakup usually takes hold straight away. The concept of social media makes it worse when you see your ex with someone new or worse, happy without you, makes it easy to rush into impulsive revenge dating without thinking or considering your own wants, or values.
Your beliefs no longer hold significance here. You are now on a date with someone new. You’re dating, sharing laughs, and posting cute pictures on social media. For a moment, it feels like you’re winning again. But deep down inside your heart, you know you are not quite ready (also recognizing you’re still carrying some residual feelings from your previous relationship and you haven’t even begun to process anything). You could even be burying or projecting your feelings onto your new partner, and it’s not too long before it all implodes.
You will feel feelings that either you didn’t feel before in your previous relationship or you will likely feel confused again.
Why Revenge Dating Doesn’t Work
If you jump into a new relationship without recovery, you create false expectations. Instead, you start to compare your new partner to your recent ex and are looking for the feelings of your last relationship instead of building a real connection.
Here is what usually happens:
- You’re moving too fast in your relationship and starting to notice warning signs.
- You carry over feelings from your last relationship into this one.
- You are using the relationship as a distraction, instead of a groundwork for growth.
Revenge dating may also inflict pain on the other half, even if they did have real feelings for you and you are still emotionally unavailable. This imbalance produces anxiety, miscommunication, loss of time, and typically, another heartbreak.
Choosing Healing Over Rebound
Opening a door after a breakup feels like exploring an endless path. Rather than rushing into an alternative relationship, focus on you. See how you can rebuild your identity, and perhaps try something new, see old friends, and commit to any personal development you think is worthwhile.
Some things to consider during the healing process:
- Keep a journal regarding your thoughts and feelings.
- For both you and your ex, it’s important to keep healthy boundaries.
- Spend time doing the things that you find joyful.
- If you are struggling with closure, consider seeking therapy.
When you heal first, the next relationship is from a place of wholeness and not desperation. You are choosing the other party because you want to, not because you want to validate anything. This is where emotional freedom can take place.
Conclusion
Revenge dating might feel empowering for a while, but it doesn’t take the place of the difficult work of healing. In fact, a new relationship cannot turn back time to heartbreak; only if you are willing to work on emotional awareness and emotional healing can you accomplish that.
The most important thing that you can do is to allow yourself time. Reflect on your past, come back stronger, and make room for authentic love. The best thing is that when it finally happens, you won’t be dragging the weight of multiple relationships behind you, and you will just be.
