Aarav sat at a coffee shop Friday night waiting for his coffee to cool as he scrolled through a dating app. This week he had matched with three different women who each seemed to have something unique and interesting to offer him. He should have been excited and eager about these potential new relationships, however instead he was feeling an overwhelming amount of pressure. The fear of commitment to one person was overpowering him. The notion of possibly missing out on a better match was weighing heavily on him. Could someone else better show up in his life tomorrow (or next week) and take away his opportunity with a great partner? Could he be closing off his options by selecting just one person at this time? Aarav’s experience is representative of most guys who date today.
The Deception of Limitless Selection
The modern dating scene provides choices at the click of a finger. A single swipe reveals a new person, yet another plot, and one more “maybe.” This to some extent feels liberating. The reasoning of providing more options is that they eventually bring about better decisions. In reality, the case is almost the opposite. When there are limitless choices, individuals tend to delay their decision-making. They are in doubt. They continue to browse.
This is why nowadays the situation of getting involved with someone is seen as a gamble rather than as a progressive move. To settle down with one partner seems to be a hard decision to make, almost a burden. Besides, the concept of social networking platforms absolutely supports this approach and behavior. We are always bombarded with the images of social media that present the ideal relationships, the perfect moments, and the so-called “relationship goals”. Consequently, we begin to weigh up the value of our authentic bonds against the allure of the blurred illusions. So, little by little, the fear of commitment gets stronger and stronger being nourished by comparison and doubt.
When Protection Turns Into Avoidance
A lot of individuals claim that they are “protecting their peace.” That does indeed appear to be a healthy way of coping primarily resulting from emotional avoidance. Heartbreaks leave scars; not healed break-ups make people rank to maintain an easy exit; thus, they have two dates with one of them out the door.
As a result, the initial willingness to share one’s feelings and thoughts becomes difficult. A relationship is not only securing a spot but also giving out one’s emotions to a different person which takes time and risk. It is not asking for mutual love but for a strong hold even during the time of doubt. It seems to give a person who has been a victim of love that it is very risky. So, the fear of commitment becomes a barrier. It stops hurt from coming, but it also keeps love from reaching.
What is more, this kind of avoidance seldom appears to be very severe. It is of a quiet nature. Later responses. Vague relationships. Let’s wait and see. Even though these phrases sound like they’re just having fun, they really show that someone isn’t ready to deal with the emotional part of the situation.
The Feeling of Security in a Relationship Equals the Feeling of Freedom Lost
Modern society is such that it widely recognizes autonomy. The individual is always advised to put themselves first, pursue their desires, and accept nothing less than the best. This growth orientation, however, sometimes leads to the (mis)interpretation of commitment as giving up the “growing” self and the “gaining” other imposed on friendship and partnership, respectively. People start believing that selecting one partner means losing freedom, opportunities, or self-exploration.
On the other hand, when a person commits, the opposite happens, and the person reveals their true self or brings it to the surface. A good and healthy commitment brings the partners closer to each other and helps them to grow together. However, the mixed signals coming from modern relationship advice can make this a very hard to perceive reality. When there are so many voices saying “take your time,” and “be open to other possibilities,” it gets more difficult to figure out the truth.
Consequently, a lot of people remain in situationships. They have the best of both worlds (i.e., connection with no commitment). However, this emotional limbo eventually becomes exhausting. The fear of commitment is like a promise of safety but more often than not results in loneliness.
Prioritizing Depth Over Choices
To establish a real connection, a change of attitude is necessary. Instead of putting the question as “What if there is a better choice?”, we can rephrase it to “What can be created together?”. Depth comes from being together, being truthful, and working hard together, not from being perfect.
Commitment always entails risks. There is no way to protect oneself from the effects of love failure. However, not committing to a relationship means getting something else: superficial ties that are never satisfying to the full extent. When a person picks you every single day with all your faults, that choice is a subtle but powerful one.
Thus, when the situation of numerous choices arises and seems to be a very attractive one, take a break. Recognize the thing that you are actually frightened to lose. Sometimes, the bravest move is not to fling the doors wide open but rather to gently shut them and stay inside.Because, after all, the barrier of fear surrounding commitment is in fact a path to the greatest intimacy and the most stable relationships accompanied by a type of love that expands only if one decides to look elsewhere.
